Monday, February 11, 2013

im sorry

I was asked last week why I write this blog…

I used to love to scrapbook, but since no one prints photos anymore, I too changed my craft. I started this as a New Years Resolution, but I wanted it to document me. To show my life, my thoughts, my goals- somewhere.. and if anyone was interested they could read along with me. I also want to help people, and make their life easier. I wanted to share my yummy recipes, to inspire them to work out and be healthy, and to help them plan their weekend. I can’t turn off this desire to help people, but right now I have to help myself.

I’m sorry I can’t makeup my mind sometimes, and it annoys you when I ask too many questions. We don’t see eye to eye on chores or goals or sleep schedules.. but I know your heart and your dreams and the lines on your face, that form when you smile- better than anyone else in the world. We were partners and walked on this road we call life for so long, I keep looking back hoping you’ll grab my hand when I least expect it. But I don’t think you will. You’ve told me you won’t.. you’ve told me you don’t want to.

Do you know what it’s like to loose a part of yourself? Oh, you do.. your appendix- but I was there for you. I was there for you for every ailment, and I never discredited you, no matter how small it was. I just took care of you. I don’t even believe that you think my hip hurts all the time. And I don’t know which hurts more. It’s not like pain could impact your happiness or mood.

I cant stop listening to Ho Hey.. but everyone says listen to something else instead.. Stop thinking about it, you? You mean, stop breathing? I can’t do that right now because I have to keep swimming. The tides coming in and the current is strong but I have to keep pushing, because quitting is wrong. I feel like I’m screaming for help and I’m thankful to everyone who is by my side.. but I’m screaming for you. I’m so scared about my life changes- and I don’t have the same support as before.. will I make it? I just want my life back, my everything back.

I’m usually quiet but I know how to listen.. but I didn’t hear you asking for help or telling me there was something wrong.. you just hid behind your work. I feel left out.. I feel embarrassed.. I feel alone. I guess I should have known when I was not invited to anything to do with your start up. I didn’t even get to see your remodel of the box.. even though I asked and asked.. why did you want to keep me away? I was your biggest cheerleader..

I just feel cheated. But I guess I can see your struggle. All your friends are getting married or having kids, and you haven’t even found yourself yet. "You better hurry up, life’s passing you by" is what you think… so you did. Even though it was bad timing for me, it was good for you I guess. I can tell after re-reading this that I might be ready for that role.. but you’re not. You’re too involved with yourself.. and that’s ok.. I hope you find what you’re looking for.

"I am thinking it's a sign
That the freckles in our eyes
Are mirror images and when we kiss
They're perfectly aligned"----
I’m sorry I didn't fit your puzzle piece.
I’m going to be taking this week off from my blog.. I just don’t have the resources or the drive right now. I hope you have a great week. And Happy Valentines Day to those of you that celebrate <3
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